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Whoooooooooops There Is SO MUCH Green in Your Movie!

Monday, May 9, 2011

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One of trailers preceding Thor this weekend was the trailer for Green Lantern, otherwise known as The Green Ryan Reynolds, which looks as though it will be as bad as Thor was good. Even though The Green Ryan Reynolds looks like a low-rent garbage disaster, I will almost certainly be seeing it, because nerd.

But let me tell you this: However bad the special effects look in the below trailer, they look even worse on the big screen, which is approximately as bad as they looked on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

And OMG THIS MOVIE IS SO GREEN. I mean, you expect a lot of green, because no doy, but OMG IT IS SO GREEN. It's so green it looks like it was directed by Joel Schumacher in the mid-90s. It's so green that the title track is "It Ain't Easy Being This Movie," by Kermit T. Frog. It's so green that Big Energy has lobbied Congress to have it banned. It's VERY GREEN, is what I'm saying.

Oh, and also: It stars Ryan Reynolds.


Green planet with lots of green things and glowy green light and people wearing greensuits. They're having a meeting about an "unprecedented danger, an enemy powerful enough to destroy entire civilizations." The One Green Ring has chosen a human "to fight this enemy." And, no doy, the ring chose a straight white dude. What—did you think the ring WOULDN'T choose a straight white dude? That intergalactic ring is totes fluent in Earth's kyriarchal narratives, yo.

Purple Squarehead Alien in greensuit delivers ring to Ryan Reynolds: Here is your personal invitation to become a hero, sir! Ryan Reynolds speaks the oath while holding the green ring near the magical green lantern and gets his own greensuit. He is whisked through space and time to the green planet, where he gets his green training on and receives a green sword. A greensuit gives him the lowdown on his magical superbowl ring: "Its limits are only what you can imagine." Ironically, this is a message that would also be useful for writers of superhero movies. (But CANON!!!!!!eleventy!!1!)

Cut to Peter Sarsgaard, who is obviously evil because his assistant is a black woman and his laboratory is DEFINITELY more teal than straight-up green. Whatever evil he's gotten himself into has apparently settled in his frontal lobe, which is getting distractingly bulbous. Tim Robbins is so going to barf all over that mutant head.

Blake Lively consoles the Green Ryan Reynolds who has doubts about being the chosen one. She believes in him. Yay! Don't let us down, Green Ryan Reynolds, because ALL OF EARTH is counting on you! No pressure, though.

Peter Sarsgaard's head continues to bulbify. Green Ryan Reynolds seeks the help of the other greensuits. He's got a green machine gun! Take that, Peter Sarsgaard. I hope it's enough to save THE PLANET!

P.S. Peter Sarsgaard LOL YOUR HEAD! ads
 

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